Eye of the Storm

(I wrote this back in October, this has been a season but it is getting better)

This weekend I cried
Storms of tears streamed down my face as I lied
In a paramedics truck shaking and whimpering
Scared to death that the demons that took over my body were laughing
At what they thought was my demise
My health was stripped day by day
And everytime I woke I laid
In a state of mental, emotional and sometime physical paralysis
Almost giving up in the midst of the hurricane going on within my body
Strangely enough when I thought my body was mending
Sudden relapse occurred as if waves were crashing
Back and forth in my system
Palpitations as my heart was racing
Hot flashes as if I was menopausal or PMSing
Infection in my chest, lungs and body was winning
Medication after medication had me jumping
Out of my skin
Tremors like an earthquake within
I almost lost focus on Him
While others were prepping for Sandy
I was praying for healing so I could be
Back to my natural state of upbeat vitality
Closing my eyes in the ER yet again I had a visit from Mommy
She appeared on my right side and said softly, "I won't dare let you die, I birthed you and pray for a renewed you."
Ayana my sister came to her side and said, "Big sis, heal and be one again, live your dreams and cut out the stress whether its people, places or things.."
Before I could fix my mouth to say a word
They were gone
I awakened to all of my levels being normal
Free to go home
Day by day
Hour by hour
Minute by minute
I'm thankful that God is piecing me back together as I broke during the storm
Remolded in His eyes I have a new focus
And I'm killing the stress in my life!
The eye of the storm could have destroyed me
But I have to much to live for and will give thanks to my Father daily
Thank you God for keeping me
Using your hands to mold me into a divine figure to reflect thee
It's now time to clean up the aftermath
Head down a different path
Filled with love, dreams and all
Focus on Him in your storm
I was too worried about getting blown away in the winds
But after a while I refocused and laid my eyes on Him
Thank you God, Christ, my ancestors (Ase) and to my renewed life

Peace and blessings everyone

Written By:

Serena Wills
October 29th, 2012

(During Hurrican Sandy...my prayers go out to all of those that suffered and were in her path).

Worry

(This was written a while ago as I was at a wall in my life) enjoy and be blessed.

Worry

Mom once told me to not worry too much
But I can't help it as bills pile up
Wanting to be the best mom while balancing my passion and work
It gets to me God, scared that I'm a paycheck from being on the street
Not wanting to give in to defeat
Trying to make sure there is food on the table for us to eat
Day by day I worry
Praying that you don't see my faith as weary
Blessings of a job came
I'm steadily trying to maintain
With a crazy pay cut I still remain faithful
One woman told me I had luck
Smiling to myself knowing it was deeper than the roll of dice
Despite my worry I know deep in my heart my luck was divine and precise
Remaining faithful I know that my job was a gift from you
So why do I still worry?
I guess it's because I'm humanly
Mold me to have faith like you
Don't stop instilling in me your continuous guidance that will see me through and through
Worry is fear and fear is worry
Praying it won't destroy my mental capacity
Peel the layers of devastation, fear, worry, pain and brokeness from me
Allow me to be the best that I can be
Strip this demonistic madness
So I can worry less
And focus
More on you
On my son
And the dreams I have so they can become true
Please be patient with me
God, don't give up
While I face this wall called...worry

Written By:

Serena Wills

September 24, 2012

Copyright (c) Serena Wills
All Rights Reserved

Failure Isn't Final!

I heard an empowering and moving word on Sunday, August 26th at my church home. My Pastors (I have two Pastors) were on vacation but would be happy to know that Rev. Harold Hayes took care of their flock with his amazing message. The sermon title was, "Failure Is Not Final."

His sermon title hit home for me in one area of my life. I had been dwelling on something for years and even before my mother's transition she told me, "You're not a failure."

I was going to write about what I felt earlier in the week but I'm glad I didn't because I heard one of my favorite gospel artists on the radio talk about her struggles. Vicki Yohe was on the Cory Condrey show and she said how her publicist told her, "You're too transparent, you need to be more private about your life and what you have gone through."

She said, "I can't do that, people need to know what I've been through so they know that it's not just them. That folks like me have struggles too."

I feel like her and some people have made comments about my transparency but I can't help it. I don't put everything out there but what I feel needs to be brought to light so others can relate and know they are not alone. When I do spoken word I talk to the crowd in between pieces so they know what I was thinking...going through and what brought me to writing about that subject. When someone thanks me I know that my ministry (which is my writing) has taken effect.

I have felt like I've been a failure in the relationship department. Relationship after relationship I felt like I failed. Several people have told me I haven't but until I know I haven't that is how I'm going to feel.

The word that Sunday struck me because Rev. Hayes said, "FAILURE IS NOT FINAL." Buckets of tears streamed down my face and when I saw people flocking to the alter because they wanted to be released of that feeling of being a failure I knew I wasn't alone. I too went to the alter and got on my knees and just let it out. All of the emotions over the years was being expunged from my spirit.

The one thing I tell people is that I have to take time and reflect on me...yes me. What can I do so I won't feel like this any more and I need to heal over the years of pain and hurt in order for God to send that individual to me that will be my husband and I to him.

Rev. Hayes said, "Failure is a refining process...it's like the passage about the potter. He could have used a different piece of clay but he kept reshaping and remolding the same piece."

I am that piece of clay, yes I have cracks in me and needed at many times to be remolded. I was that shattered jar at one point of time but instead of feeling destroyed years ago through emotions and ill mental thoughts of a broken relationship God reshaped me and has kept His hands on me ever since.

I had to share this because I walked out of church feeling a sense of renewal. I still have work to do and need to totally believe that I'm not a failure...but I know that I'm being refined, reshaped and molded like the lump of clay on a potter's wheel and in time I will be able to look back and reflect on what I thought was a failure and note it as a process that God put me through.

Not only am I being refined but I'm learning to listen to Him even more so I won't make the same mistakes again.

May peace be with you and I hope someone can learn from my story and look within and be honest with themselves so they too know that they are being refined and are not failures.

A Simple Thanks

It's been a while since I've posted anything on my blog. A lot has transpired in my life and I felt compelled to share with everyone that reads my work. Last year I was let go from my full time job and my last day was June 30, 2011. It's been a challenging time but despite everything I've been through I'm grateful. Fast forward...the organization that let me go rehired me on a part time contractual basis because of my reputation and hard work from the last place. Although I suffered a salary reduction I'm thankful to even bring home a pay check as many in America have gone without. I was unemployed for 8 months before being rehired but I had time to spend with my son and that is priceless.

When times got hard I sometimes became fearful but I had to remember that fear equates to little faith. God doesn't want me and whomever is reading this post to live in fear. He hears my cries and my prayers. I know that either a full time job will come my way or He will provide me with other ways to make ends meet like getting my books off the ground so I can be published, teach part time at a college and birth my dreams. Although some feel like I have accomplished my dreams I still have more that I would like to see happen. (Never limit your dreams).

I will end with a prayer that I wrote down in my gratitude journal:

God, I know you're my provider and counselor. When I want to talk about "sensitive areas" just remind me that you're always open to listening to me and I know you don't have a judgemental ear. Before I even ask or speak you already my heart and that its (whatever my need is or what I have dreamt about) already done.

With that being said I say thank you in advance for a full time job, thank you for my total healing of a broken heart in the past that grew into anger and that the anger be totally gone (I'm almost there God), thank you for allowing me to be able to provide for my son and thank you for those in my life that truly know me and what I'm about and know that it's just not about me.

Thank you God, it's because of your grace and mercy that I'm sane, loving, dedicated to my calling, passionate and prayerful.

As always...thank you for the daily protection over my son. Although I've been working for a few months I'm still not used to leaving him. But at the end of the day you know where my heart lay.

I love you God...and I simply say...thank you.

Event Alert!!! I'm performing on Thursday, June 28th, 2012 at Busboys and Poets on 5th and K Street, NW Washington, DC!

I'm honored to be a featured artist for One Common Unity as they present: Voices of a Movement!!!! The open mic is Thursday, June 28th at Busboys and Poets on 5th and K Street, NW! I'm going on around 9:10pm!

If you want to sign up for the mic please show up by 9pm as the list fills up quick!!! I'm happy to be featured with the great talents of Anonomas and Cee Love!!!!

Be there and spread the word!!!! Blessings!

Letter to My Son...Snippet

I wrote this in March in my gratitude journal a short while after going back to work after being with my son for 6.5 months full time. Enjoy the short read.

My life as a mom has shifted so much and for the better. I now know what Mommy was saying when she said, "It will all come together."

I was so nervous while I was pregnant praying that I would be a good mother, provider and try to balance life. I'm still learning of course but when I pick my son up every day I know that although I'm still a student trying to master motherhood one day at a time that at the end of the day it's all worth it.

Event Alert!!!! Performing at The Artomatic this Saturday!!! Details Below!

I'm back on the scene! Please join me and other beautiful and talented artists that are a part of the Liberated Muse collective at The Artomatic this Saturday, June 16th from 2-6pm. I have a 10 minute set and will perform 3 poems! One poem is published in the new anthology, "Betrayal Wears a Pretty Face, Liberated Muse Volume 2" edited by Khadijah Ali-Coleman. It's titled, "Bling Dreams!" Pass on the word and thank you for your support!

The Artomatic is located at 1851 S. Bell Street, Arlington, VA. We'll be hitting the Orleans Stage on the 1st floor! Peace and love!

Grace

I don't think I'm done with this poem yet but wanted to share...peace.

God you have cleaned up my mess
As I've steadily stressed
About things I can't fix
Grace
Is always given even when I can't erase
My woes and challenges
Running in this race
Called life
I've been through strife
Emotional damage
Yet you always seem to manage
To give me grace and mercy
Times when I don't think I deserve it
Constantly showered on me from heavens above
Continuous love
Surrounding me
Beginning to remember that I have to lean on the word
Trust the unseen
Know that times might be tough
And I alone can't fix all things
Because I'm on a level that's humanly
Thank you God for Grace and Mercy

Copyright 2012

Whimsical Moments

I began writing this right after my mother passed away and finally finished it. Enjoy.


Whimsical Moments

You're my air
Into your eyes I glare
Knowing that I received the ultimate prize
You as a mother
And I as your daughter
Still moments in time will be remembered forever
From watching you grace the stage with dance
Having deep conversations with me about forgiving people and sometimes giving them a second chance
From the night you held me tight when I heard my father died
Wiping away a steady flow of tears as I cried
Being my warrior through many battles
Dry days to stark nights you were my water
Pouring energy into my valley like a streaming river
Yet I don't know what I would do
Without you when God calls you home
What I'll have left are memories that will float through my brain as whimsical moments
In my heart you'll always be
Whimsical
Like cherry blossoms petals that travel through a spring breeze
Blooming Marguerite flowers in France
Praying to God that as the seconds, minutes and days go on that they will come more with ease
But for now let's share the time we have left
Creating more memories that will be kept
Whimsical moments we will always have
Beyond your last breath

Written By:

Serena Wills

Copyright 2012

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time

You loved me

Adored me

I would get music in the middle of the night and throughout the day

Various songs that kept me wanting more of you…making me want to stay

In your life forever

And take on an endeavor

To build a future with you

I would jam to songs that was a mixture of R&B, Jazz, Sexy House, Caribbean and Latin tunes

Waking up in the morning I felt your presence next to me

Miles away I would still feel your spirit breathe

Every song told a story

Expressed a feeling

Alluring

Showing your heart completely

Or so I thought…

Once upon a time

I felt like a fairy tale as we connected in the park

I told my heart no but over time it said yes

And as the music kept coming daily

Telling me your history

I fell for you deeply

God told me He could be the one

Praying day and night I so didn’t want my feelings to jump the gun

You kept me laughing, smiling and in the midst of it all you were healing

Our connection seemed unreal like some of those beautiful story book endings

But like a party our connection played its last song

Crying oceans of tears over what I once I felt

In a snap all of the feelings you had for me left

I’m left with a broken heart

Reminiscing about that day in the park

Sweet memories that we shared now seem so dark

Once upon a time you loved me

I’m now left in silence

And no music to listen to

Written By:

Serena Wills

Copyright (c) 2012

Patience

Being a writer to me also means being transparent in a lot of ways. I feel as if God wants me to write to release my creativity to the world but also in some shape or form to help heal people and let people know that its not just them that feel the way they do.

These past few months have been a total blessing with the birth of my son but it has had its challenges as well. Patience was truly needed as I suffered a job loss that caused me to really become even more humble than ever. I'm a pretty sincere and humble human being but when I was told back in early spring that my organization was being taken over by another and 24 of us (1/3 of the staff) were being laid off and I being one of them; I began to pray heavily.

I asked God, "Please keep my heart light and mind sane since I'm carrying one of your angels. Its easy to get derailed off the track these days." I knew times would get financially tough and that they did.

I hit rock bottom, not knowing where money would come from to even pay rent because I anticipated having a job by mid October. I almost lost hope. However between waking up to my son and having beautiful people in my life...God kept me. He provided my needs. He showed me things in people that I didn't want to see so I knew who was in my corner, who loved me despite my circumstances and who to keep away.

When you hit rock bottom sometimes ugliness will rear its head. Backs were turned on me and I even felt like a charity case at one point.

If my brother or sister fell down I wouldn't want to kick them even further down or walk all over them. I was judged and ridiculed. I realized that I needed to pray for those that turned on me and to forgive. I asked God to not punish but to heal them.

Prayer and patience paid off. Being unemployed gave me more time to bond with my son. I will never regret having spent several months at home. I've been able to refocus and shift my priorities and emotions during the time of stillness. I spoke to family and friends more (on the phone and in person) and we breathed life into each others dreams! The power of fellowship is very real.

I want the best for my son and during this time I realized that I was (and still am) hurting from things that happened to me in life. I want to heal. Its time for the broken pieces to be put back together.

God gave me this time. One day I walked along the river front and told God that I wouldn't even mind a part time job so I could still be home more with my son and work on my business ventures. I told him, "Have your way with me."

The next day (Thursday) I received a message about a potential job from the organization that took over my previous one and laid me off, by that Monday I received the offer letter. Now I'm gainfully employed. Although I still have work to do (hey I'm a work in progress) I have a road map that has been reworked. I'm looking forward to the future. I can only pray that the healing continues, that love will breathe into my spirit and soul like its never done before and that my/our dreams will blossom!

Times may be hard right now. Believe me I know. So if this piece is talking to you, just know that you will be fine in His time. Be still and refocus. Sometimes we get lost in ourselves or even in other people. What I'm doing now is focusing on God instead of the storm. A shift from my prior thinking as I used to focus on the storm and then God.

I pray to remain humble, be a reflection of Him, be a good mother and pursue my dreams with even more fire and desire! I pray that I can be an inspiration!