You Don't Know My Pain

You don't know my pain
Chronically ill for months
Feeling like I'm about to go insane
You don't know my pain
Crying out to God in the middle of the night
Asking Him to spare my life once again
Multiple issues clashing together
People not understanding brushing everything off
Family in denial because I'm always the health nut
Yet I feel so alone and in a rut
You don't know my pain
Suffering and in a financial strain
Waking up daily for months feeling drained
My circle of friends got smaller
Folks who I thought would be there bailed on a sister when I hollered
Neurological, physical to mental
This disease has wreaked harm on my body in an unfair way
I've cried out to God asking Him why am I going through
Relating to every word in the book of Job as he was tested too
Praying for a cure
A miracle
Not just for me but for many who are behind me
That will become sick with this devil disease called Lyme
People keep saying all in time
I will be healed
But when...
Whatever I need to do God please show the way
I'll do whatever you want but please have mercy on my soul and hear me as I pray
You don't know pain
I hope you will never know
As I became a victim to this disease
That hit me with a heavy blow
Live life while you have health
And don't be like me wondering...thinking...what if I had done this or that...
Remain prayerful despite your storms and never turn your back
On people like me
Because you never know if your number will be called
And if it is...trust me...you won't want to feel alone
Alone...
Alone...
You don't know my pain...

Written By: Serena T. Wills

June, 2013

Dedicated to Everyone Dealing and Healing from Lyme Disease and any Chronic Illness or Injury

Copyright 2013 (c) Serena Wills
All rights are reserved

Silent Tears

I never posted this poem on my blog. Mom reassured me that I was going to be okay even though I silently cried at her bedside. There are nights and days where the tears just flow and you know what...I let them because it's cleansing my soul. Dedicated to those who have silent tears and have been to the place I've been. The painting is by my friend Soukaa, an artist out of Dallas, TX.

Silent tears
Streak my face
Creating a puddle of water in my lap
Deep breaths as I let out shrieks of pain
Grieving untamed
Falling to my knees
Screaming please
Please...
Come back to me
Alas in the stillness of the night
Begging and pleading
Reasoning with God
I tried to tell Him
"We had plans my man and now my mother has been taken away from me."
Shoulders hunched over
Arms wrapped around my stomach
Releasing my mourning and aches that are trapped within
Mourning over Mama
Thought she would make it
Instead God turned the clock forward
Minutes passed by and moments are unclear
Surreal that she's gone
Phone silent
No more ringing in the middle of the night
Ever since my mother walked into the light
Thinking back to the day
When she smiled at me to say
"I love you and you'll be okay"
Not comprehending
Riddles she made
But as I pieced everything together I finally was aware
She was preparing me
Always a mother even after the last breath
Worried about my family
Reassuring her we'll keep each other lifted as God covers us like a blanket on a cold winter day
Fast forward to now
Visions of your smile
Dancing in heavens clouds
Brings joy to my saddened heart
Comforted by your spiritual presence that surrounds me day in and day out
Even the times when I shout
"Mama where are you!"
I'm reminded as I feel a gentle touch that rubs my back
And a whisper...I'm right here baby girl
Mama you will always be with me
And I will be with you too
My sorrow is raw
Emotions crashing like waves against a mountains wall
Rescue me from this grief
Send me a sign
That you're thinking of me too
Figuring out my next steps and what God has ordered for me to do
Except the only thing missing physically is you
Gazing into the dark night
Blurred vision from tears
Praying to God to heal my family and me too
Sending a message to you
Through prayers and thoughts
Mom I love you
Honored that God chose me to be birthed through you
One courageous, bold, voicetrous and loving woman
Your legacy will be kept alive and promises I made to you will be kept
Loving you...always...dear mama
Silent tears fall as I grieve

Ase to you...

Copyright Serena Wills 2010