You Don't Know My Pain

You don't know my pain
Chronically ill for months
Feeling like I'm about to go insane
You don't know my pain
Crying out to God in the middle of the night
Asking Him to spare my life once again
Multiple issues clashing together
People not understanding brushing everything off
Family in denial because I'm always the health nut
Yet I feel so alone and in a rut
You don't know my pain
Suffering and in a financial strain
Waking up daily for months feeling drained
My circle of friends got smaller
Folks who I thought would be there bailed on a sister when I hollered
Neurological, physical to mental
This disease has wreaked harm on my body in an unfair way
I've cried out to God asking Him why am I going through
Relating to every word in the book of Job as he was tested too
Praying for a cure
A miracle
Not just for me but for many who are behind me
That will become sick with this devil disease called Lyme
People keep saying all in time
I will be healed
But when...
Whatever I need to do God please show the way
I'll do whatever you want but please have mercy on my soul and hear me as I pray
You don't know pain
I hope you will never know
As I became a victim to this disease
That hit me with a heavy blow
Live life while you have health
And don't be like me wondering...thinking...what if I had done this or that...
Remain prayerful despite your storms and never turn your back
On people like me
Because you never know if your number will be called
And if it is...trust me...you won't want to feel alone
Alone...
Alone...
You don't know my pain...

Written By: Serena T. Wills

June, 2013

Dedicated to Everyone Dealing and Healing from Lyme Disease and any Chronic Illness or Injury

Copyright 2013 (c) Serena Wills
All rights are reserved

Always There

Dedicated to Apa and Alexis Garay! Your union this weekend inspired me and as you both were doing the toast I wrote this piece at the wedding reception (gotta love technology). Alexis baby you did it...I've known you since I was in 4th grade and we were riding on the "Russ Bus" to our after school program to take swim classes! I'm so happy for you and may our friendship continue to flourish throughout the years. May God bless the both of you!


Always There
Waiting in the wings
Humming bird singing
Praises that I reconnected with you
Days, months and years have gone by
And I won't lie
As I tell you that I've had my eye
On what I saw as my future
Baby I would have had it no other way
As we lay
In unison tonight
I've been your future for years
Have even shed happy tears
Thinking of the night we would unite in holy matrimony
Being my inspiration
Memories glistening
Remembering our long past
God has granted permission for us to last

Many years to come

Prayers, answers and clarity have come along

Visions of you is that picture perfect song

Always there

To bare all that I've been through

You've been my friend since the days of school

Through ups and downs

The bad and the good

Knowing deep in my heart we would

Become one

I will always be there

Not a fair weather friend

I'm the divine partner God designed that will be with you until the end

Love as pure as a birds flight in the clear sky

Full moon hanging on a crisp night

Sunlight as it shines its rays

Looking forward to the many days

Journeys ahead

Of us lovingly dancing down a beautiful path

In unity

Congrats Apa and Alexis Garay

October 31st, 2010
Written at the Waldorf Astoria Towers

The Revolution of Me...

Celebrating thirty-five years of life and as I look back, I'm so thankful for all the good, bad and even ugly. I noticed this weekend that although my mother is sick with cancer, she is getting stronger and has brought my family together in ways that I could never imagine. We aren't a perfect family but I've prayed for many years that we can rid the grudges, speak to one another more often and connect to each other on if not most then all levels.

Even I have been guilty of holding onto the grudges of loved ones in my family and not letting go. I thanked my mother on my birthday which was on January 16th for being strong and for bringing our family together as we work in unison in regards to her health. We can now talk about how each of us are doing, the kids, finances, trials and struggles and help each other get through. We still have work to do but this is a beautiful start thus far.

During my time of reflection on Saturday I looked over at my beautiful cousin Gianina from my fathers side and thanked him. Even though he could never figure out how to be a father to me on this physical plain called earth, never acknowledged me, he has done something that I never thought would happen. He lead me to the "Hayes" side of my family where I had two sisters and a brother waiting for me. An array of cousins, an Uncle that embraces me and a host of other people. Although my brother isn't in the fold yet I know in time that he will find us.

How could I hold onto a grudge with a person that is now deceased? How could anyone? It sounds easy but a lot of people as myself and my cousin were talking about over the weekend still can't let go of hurt feelings, emotions or grudges with someone who is alive let alone dead. The day I heard my father passed away almost ten years ago most of those ill feelings and grudges were dropped. Over time all of them vanished. He paid the ultimate price and although I sometimes hurt inside that I will never get a chance to meet him on this side of my life, I know that I will see him when it's my time to go.

Some may say that this piece should be called "Evolution" but in fact it's a "Revolution." Meaning that a dramatic change has happened to me over time and it's good change. In fact it's great. Not enough people sit down and reflect on the major and drastic changes. The shifts that have taken place to put them into the position that they are in now.

Sitting around with a few of my girlfriends on Saturday night made me look back at those that aren't in my circle any more and I'm not in their line of friends. We naturally moved on or weren't on each other's level. Some have grown distant and our friendship is fine like that. Many times they were in my life for a reason...a season...a mere chapter. Some come in and out. But the older I get the more I notice my circle is full of beautiful, spiritual and intelligent women. Also full of positive and inspiring men that have proven that all men aren't cut from the same piece of cloth. They are designed in God's light and are here to prove that there are still real gentlemen walking this earth.

Lastly I reflected on the wonderful children that are in my life. Although I haven't birthed any (yet) they are something else. My nephew who is all of seven spoke to me on the phone Sunday morning and I still remember the day that he fell asleep in my arms when we were at the beach when he was only one year old. He was so peaceful as we were in the ocean and all of a sudden I heard his heavy breathing in my ear. But something else happened when I spoke with him. I suddenly yearned for the day that I'm blessed to meet the king in my life so I can have one or even two children. I'm now in my mid thirties and my clock for some reason rang a little loud over the weekend (the biological clock). But I know when that day comes (both me meeting the man of my dreams and having a child) that it will be another shift...revolution (change) to discuss.

For now I'm thankful for all that I have, the dreams that will come true this year and all that God has blessed me with. Every time I felt down or didn't think I accomplished a task or let someone down (even myself). He saw the best in me. He made me change and turn in directions that I wouldn't have imagined and as my pastor says in church...the best is yet to come.

Be easy and at peace.

Something Old and Something New...

When I was in Girl Scouts there was a song we sang every week:
“Make new friends
But keep the old
One is silver
And the other is gold.”

But is it the same for love? What if you were used to dating a certain type of man or woman and all of a sudden your eyes were opened to something new. A couple of weeks ago I watched the movie, “Something New.” No matter how many times I watch it I fall more in love with it. It also showed me things that we deal with in society about how people are indirectly prejudice. They would prefer to date a black man as Sanaa Lathan stated in the movie but your king could be standing right in front of you and could be of another race. Would you turn your head the other direction and keep looking for something that you think is good for you but may not.

I also had a discussion with a dear friend of mine (male) that has a list/criteria for his future wife as Sanaa’s character (Kenya) did in the movie. I understand that we all have a hidden list but something you may miss out if your list gets a little too long. I’m not saying settle but what if your future wife in his case has a master’s degree but not from a particular school as my friend stated. Would he still turn the cheek and keep finding the woman of his dreams with a particular education?
I used to be that woman with the criteria and a laundry list of do’s and don’ts. One of my preferences on my list was dating or marrying a brother (black man). As life has unfolded my list is getting shorter. Okay so I will date someone 5’10” instead of the 6’ feet and over rule now, or someone who doesn’t have a masters like me or a man who is not a 9-5 guy but a hard working man.

Living in Dallas made me open my eyes as I met a couple of guys that I would never think I had anything in common with because I was coming off as a Kenya McQueen from the movie. As I got to know them I liked what I experienced. It was something new for me and a few of my friends as we get older really want at the end of the day a good man. Someone who takes care of his household, spiritual, knows who God (or your specific creator) is and what He has done for him, goals, dreams, ambitions and loves his family. Not a lot to ask for. But notice how race wasn’t in there, height (even though I still love them tall), or a 9-5 person.

I discovered that spirits need to connect and sometimes you may have a 9-5 job and he doesn’t (vice versa), nor he or she might not have graduated from an Ivy League school (so what), but ask yourself as Heavy D did in a song back in the day, “Is it good to you?”

Do you get that feeling that you can tear down the walls and truly be the person you are around this person? No hiding or making yourself into something you’re not because of fear that he or she will break out. Can you look them in the eye and say to yourself, “Okay so what he is an inch shorter than me…I love him so much and I’m blessed to have him.” Do you care about going out and when people ask you what he does for a living and you answer, “He’s a professional landscaper (landscape architect) that loves planting flowers.” Also are you willing to take that step out your box and date outside of your race?

I’m bringing this up because as I said I had a wakeup call before I left Dallas, TX. The man has it going on, no he’s not a 9-5 cat and he absolutely loves what he does. I told him he is deserving of a woman that will love what he does as well as his talents will mesmerize anyone. Really open and what I truly appreciate about him is that he laid it all out on the table. Everything…good and bad. I told him I truly respect him because not every man nor woman will put themselves completely out there. In other words he is giving you the choice to see him naked and you gotta love that about him. At least I do.

So we are great friends, but I thank him for opening up my eyes. One never knows where something new will come from and when it does be open to accept it because you may ask God for that good woman or man and He will give them to you. But if your eyes are closed then you may miss the gift because he/she may be of a different race and may not fit your long lengthy list of criteria. Are you going to be like Kenya McQueen in the move (played by Sanaa Lathan) and go after her heart (Brian) played by Simon Baker and love or do what she could have done…date a guy (played by Blair Underwood) because he fits your whole list but you don’t have one ounce of connectivity.

Something new to think about…