Grateful

Drawing by Samax Amen

I decided to write a list of why I am so grateful. I look at life through a different lens between losing my mother in 2010, rocky relationships, having Lyme Disease and even through the best of times as I became a mother, have a closer relationship with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, finished writing books, being published in numerous anthologies and being loved by many. On this last day of 2013 I reflected on a lot of these areas and came up with this list. Maybe before the New Year rings in you too can write a list that consists of positivity so you can end the year on right note. Peace and blessings.

• Having a closer relationship with God. I thought my relationship became closer after I lost my sister Ayana in 2007 and my Mom in 2010 but after the many trials I have faced I feel even closer to Him and more in line with all that He wants and needs me to do.

• My son means the world to me and I thank God for him everyday. He has seen me through some great moments and some dark and dismal times. We went from running in the park, going to African dance class, open mics to being in an IV room twice a week. He was with me 95% of the time in regards to coming with me to various appointments and his smile is contagious. No matter how I felt...he would look over at me and his smile would shine like the sun. Children are walking angels and I could not imagine my life without him.

• Surrounded by loving family and friends. Some went to many extremes to care for me and showed me that even in the darkest hour they would never leave me and I thank them for that always. I thank God for new friends that entered my life. He always plants people in your life when you need them and He will even remove folks who you don't need around. Their chapter in my book of life has ended and that is fine. Folks go down different paths and through prayer I have learned to accept it.

• My medical team is dynamic and full of faith! It's one thing to have a good doctor...it's another to have great doctors that truly care about you. Ones that will email and call just to see if I am okay and have seen me in the deepst part of the woods and now helping me recover as I am exiting out of the wilderness. They are blessings and I love each of them.

• Through these trying times I have had a job. Thankful for employment during this economy. I've been guilty of complaining but to have a job and great benefits is amazing during these times.

• God does answer prayers...and He has and still is answering mine daily. I'm so grateful for His love and for my healing to take place and the restoration. It's only a matter of time before I am totally restored.

• Call me Joseph from the bible. My dreams have been very vivid and to see some of them come to life or to see what is ahead for us in the future makes me excited. It's a gift...not everyone has the gift of sight through dreams or believes in it...well I do and God I say thank you. As my pastors said, "The best is yet to come."

• My beautiful church home, Ebenezer AME in Ft. Washington, MD. There are not enough words to describe how much I love my church family. They are a praying church and every time I go, people are praying for us...make us feel welcome, have helped us financially, you name it...they were there. I can't wait to become a member of a couple of ministries so I can pay it forward and help others.

• The Healing Well forum...that is a second family to me. We will all beat this horrid Lyme Disease. I'm grateful to have made friendships, met a few in person and we help each other out through advice, a shoulder to cry on, drive each other to appointments, doctor referrals and have done it all with love! I love the ones who are healed that come back to share their testimonies!!!! Y'all are awesome!

• To my heavenly ancestors that have passed away and watch over us every minute of the day. I have a powerhouse ancestor team up there. My parents are always with us...next to us. They watch over my son when he is sleeping and when we are away from one another. All of my ancestors...I love you and as we say in the West African tradition, "Ase...Ase...Ase."

Everyone be blessed and have a great New Year! 2014 will be our year of recovery whether it is health, finances, love, jobs, whatever you lost...we will recover it ALL!

A Simple Thanks

It's been a while since I've posted anything on my blog. A lot has transpired in my life and I felt compelled to share with everyone that reads my work. Last year I was let go from my full time job and my last day was June 30, 2011. It's been a challenging time but despite everything I've been through I'm grateful. Fast forward...the organization that let me go rehired me on a part time contractual basis because of my reputation and hard work from the last place. Although I suffered a salary reduction I'm thankful to even bring home a pay check as many in America have gone without. I was unemployed for 8 months before being rehired but I had time to spend with my son and that is priceless.

When times got hard I sometimes became fearful but I had to remember that fear equates to little faith. God doesn't want me and whomever is reading this post to live in fear. He hears my cries and my prayers. I know that either a full time job will come my way or He will provide me with other ways to make ends meet like getting my books off the ground so I can be published, teach part time at a college and birth my dreams. Although some feel like I have accomplished my dreams I still have more that I would like to see happen. (Never limit your dreams).

I will end with a prayer that I wrote down in my gratitude journal:

God, I know you're my provider and counselor. When I want to talk about "sensitive areas" just remind me that you're always open to listening to me and I know you don't have a judgemental ear. Before I even ask or speak you already my heart and that its (whatever my need is or what I have dreamt about) already done.

With that being said I say thank you in advance for a full time job, thank you for my total healing of a broken heart in the past that grew into anger and that the anger be totally gone (I'm almost there God), thank you for allowing me to be able to provide for my son and thank you for those in my life that truly know me and what I'm about and know that it's just not about me.

Thank you God, it's because of your grace and mercy that I'm sane, loving, dedicated to my calling, passionate and prayerful.

As always...thank you for the daily protection over my son. Although I've been working for a few months I'm still not used to leaving him. But at the end of the day you know where my heart lay.

I love you God...and I simply say...thank you.

Patience

Being a writer to me also means being transparent in a lot of ways. I feel as if God wants me to write to release my creativity to the world but also in some shape or form to help heal people and let people know that its not just them that feel the way they do.

These past few months have been a total blessing with the birth of my son but it has had its challenges as well. Patience was truly needed as I suffered a job loss that caused me to really become even more humble than ever. I'm a pretty sincere and humble human being but when I was told back in early spring that my organization was being taken over by another and 24 of us (1/3 of the staff) were being laid off and I being one of them; I began to pray heavily.

I asked God, "Please keep my heart light and mind sane since I'm carrying one of your angels. Its easy to get derailed off the track these days." I knew times would get financially tough and that they did.

I hit rock bottom, not knowing where money would come from to even pay rent because I anticipated having a job by mid October. I almost lost hope. However between waking up to my son and having beautiful people in my life...God kept me. He provided my needs. He showed me things in people that I didn't want to see so I knew who was in my corner, who loved me despite my circumstances and who to keep away.

When you hit rock bottom sometimes ugliness will rear its head. Backs were turned on me and I even felt like a charity case at one point.

If my brother or sister fell down I wouldn't want to kick them even further down or walk all over them. I was judged and ridiculed. I realized that I needed to pray for those that turned on me and to forgive. I asked God to not punish but to heal them.

Prayer and patience paid off. Being unemployed gave me more time to bond with my son. I will never regret having spent several months at home. I've been able to refocus and shift my priorities and emotions during the time of stillness. I spoke to family and friends more (on the phone and in person) and we breathed life into each others dreams! The power of fellowship is very real.

I want the best for my son and during this time I realized that I was (and still am) hurting from things that happened to me in life. I want to heal. Its time for the broken pieces to be put back together.

God gave me this time. One day I walked along the river front and told God that I wouldn't even mind a part time job so I could still be home more with my son and work on my business ventures. I told him, "Have your way with me."

The next day (Thursday) I received a message about a potential job from the organization that took over my previous one and laid me off, by that Monday I received the offer letter. Now I'm gainfully employed. Although I still have work to do (hey I'm a work in progress) I have a road map that has been reworked. I'm looking forward to the future. I can only pray that the healing continues, that love will breathe into my spirit and soul like its never done before and that my/our dreams will blossom!

Times may be hard right now. Believe me I know. So if this piece is talking to you, just know that you will be fine in His time. Be still and refocus. Sometimes we get lost in ourselves or even in other people. What I'm doing now is focusing on God instead of the storm. A shift from my prior thinking as I used to focus on the storm and then God.

I pray to remain humble, be a reflection of Him, be a good mother and pursue my dreams with even more fire and desire! I pray that I can be an inspiration!

Few copies left of "Keeping the Faith Anthology" Support Me By Buying a Copy Today!

One of the best things I've heard after reading an excerpt of my story at an open mic or event is, "Thank you for being transparent and allowing others to be inspired!" I still have copies left of Keeping the Faith Edited By Essence Magazine Best Seller Vanessa Miller! It's been great sharing the story about my mother titled, "Listening Ear." The book is available and on sale right here on my website!


Buy your copy by going to the left hand column and click below the book cover, choose how many books and you will be directed to a secure PayPal website. Also if you live in the DMV area (DC/MD/VA) I will arrange to bring copies directly to you!

Here’s a snippet of the true story about my mother’s battle of Ovarian Cancer.

Looking back I think Nana knew something. There was an unusual nervousness in her voice when she asked, “Is everything okay? Can she come home yet?”


Not wanting my grandmother to know the full weight of the situation, I looked her in the eye and said, “I’m going to see and will let you know.”

I jumped into a cab and went to Jamaica Hospital which was ten minutes away. I imagined the room to be dark and filled with demons meeting me at the door. When I walked into the room, I saw my mother resting peacefully. I kissed her on the cheek and she woke up smiling. The next few hours we talked about life. She held my hand and gave me firm instructions on her final arrangements. Towards the end of the conversation I said, “Ma, we’re going to beat this! I need you to believe me. Why do we have to talk about this?”

She smiled and said, “Serena, I’m so thankful and I wanted you to know that. Because, if I die, I don’t want anything to be left unsaid.”
Puzzled I said, “Come again?”

Mom said, “I’m so grateful. I have you, Christina, family and friends. I’m glad I had a chance to adopt Ayana and care for her before she died two years ago.”

Here my mother was sick with the most advanced stage of cancer and she could still say how grateful she was. That night she taught me something in that dank hospital room. No matter how bad the situation seems or how deep the waters are, I should open up my mouth and say, “Lord I Thank You for what I have.”

Please support me and purchase a copy or two or more. I can even make arrangements to meet you so you can buy the book. I will only hold books for 1 business week only. Spread the word and purchase your copy today! Peace and blessings!

Divine Rebirth

This poem is a tribute to my mother, the late Marguerite "Sauti" Wills. She passed away on February 19, 2010 to Ovarian Cancer. May she rest in heavenly peace as her work here is done and God called her home. I wrote it as if I was in her shoes. Enjoy and be blessed.

Divine Rebirth

Earth Stood Still
Heavens Gates Opened
Cancer finally cured
Scared at first of the unknown
What lie ahead
Fighting for breath in my body
Saying good bye
Closed eyes once that lead to visions of more drugs, chemo, hateful needles and pain
Ability to walk was non existent
But this time
Oh this time
When I closed my eyes
I woke up to streets of gold, hugging my Daddy and my little girl as they greeted me
Feeling my full face, color restored, and my tight dancer calves have returned
I'm whole
Free
Smiled as I felt my beautiful natural hair
Daddy and Ayana led me to a shining light
Bright as it gleamed into what was once a dark sky
Huge arms were extended
Embracing me, rubbing my head as I hugged the Lord
He said, "Sauti...job well done. You carried enough crosses in your life time and now its time for you to rest."
Staring into the eyes of the great one I asked, "what about my loved ones, those left behind? How will they do?"
He raised his arms and clouds above Him displayed a picture perfect view
I saw my loved ones as they grieved over me
Tears of those who cared for me day in and day out
I reached out and then I realized my mother saw me, daughters were startled and siblings looking around
God said, "They felt your touch, talk to them and tell them grief will be brief and your mourning one day will be replaced with healing."
Whispering the tears of my mother was suddenly replaced with her genuine smile
Family now laughing about the good times that were had
Gates now opened and God said, "Rest for there is some work to do...time to move road blocks, barriers, and clear storms."
Rearrange their lives so they can live comfortably
Bless the doctors and nurses that cared for you
All those you touched for its their turn to be blessed in return
I smiled and when I went to walk away the huge arm extended to me again
"I ask you though to do one last favor for me? Go down the road into the house on the hilltop and be happy with what you see."
Guardian angels led me to the house and there I saw old relatives, and friends
Drums started beating, awakening my spirit as I danced like I was back with International
Celebrating my rebirth of eternal life
All day I praised Him and then in the corner I saw babies cooing and playing
I knelt down to play with two and saw me in them
Confused I asked Ayana, "Who's children are they?"
She smiled and said, "Meet your grands, you must spend time with them and prepare them for that magical journey"
I picked up my babies and was led into a majestic room in the back accented with silver and gold.
A huge bed and a view of the valley
Papa tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Marguerite, kick your feet up, rest up and welcome home."
It felt good to lay down after 20+ years, no worries for I will take care of my family from afar, playing with my cooing grands
Feet kicked up, being fed by ancestors past
I'm at peace, no more suffering, yelling ouch when you roll me, no more memory lapse due to chemotherapy
Don't mourn for I live on a hilltop, my special place picked out by God
Resting...finally...eternally

Written By: Serena Wills

Mommy, its time for you to rest, I love you and will miss you very much. Ase Iya Sauti, Ase to the ancestors that greeted you in the heavens, Ase, Ase, Ase

I don't know what to name this piece...dedicated to my sister Ayana R.I.P.

I wrote this piece back in June sitting outside under the stars in Dallas, TX at a Fred Hammond concert. I was reflecting on all that I went through and how I lost my sister Ayana last September. I hope someone feels inspired after reading it. I performed this piece at an ArtLoveMagic event out here in Dallas on October 4th. Peace.

Untitled

As the warm breeze hit my face
I knew then that, “It was done.”
All my problems, burdens and inequities
Were conquered
God told me years ago
“Wait on me child and I will see everything through.”
Nights I cried wondering how bills would be paid
Days went by wondering why my sisters health was fading away
God kept telling me, “I’m coming to rescue you, walk with you to get you through.”
Watching the sun leave the sky
As the moon peered through my blinds
Still wondering how to get through
Suddenly I felt a presence
In my space
Not understanding what or where it stood
My Grandma once told me, “Chile there are times when God is in your space and you will know it when you feel Him.”
God began to work through me
Around me
All for me
Burdens were lifted
Unanswered problems resolved
Bills were paid in full
As I understood that God comes in His time
He heard my sister asking for Him
Take me with you God
For I am done
Her failed health faded away
As she went to Him
And when she left me physically
I knew then that her battle cries were no more
And her job here on earth was done
God said, “Let it be done, let her be whole and may this life be complete.”
I listened to Him
As He conquered not just my worried
Fears
Anxiety
But He also reached back and conquered Ayana’s too
As He said, “Let it be done.”

June 27, 2008

Ayana’s job is complete. God you are worthy as you continue to heal us.

Copyright 2008 Serena Wills All Rights Reserved